When the Problem Isn’t the Problem (And You Know It Deep Down)
You read an email and your stomach drops.
A message from a friend doesn’t feel right.
A colleague says something that lands in the wrong way.
And just like that, something small turns into something that follows you around all day.
And what do you do?
You replay it. You analyse it to death. You start building a case in your head.
And before you know it, you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill.
So I ask you, was it actually that big, or did it become big because of how it was seen?
It’s Not Just What Happened
My clients are capable, experienced and used to handling a lot.
They run businesses.
They lead teams.
They make decisions daily.
Yet when tension shows up, everything changes.
Their emotions take control.
They make assumptions to fill the gaps.
They find it difficult to communicate.
And suddenly, a situation that could have been handled in minutes becomes something much bigger and far more draining.
The problem has taken control, and life feels out of control.
The interesting thing is, most of the time, the problem isn’t the problem.
It’s the perspective.
The Trap Most People Fall Into
When something goes wrong, you naturally look at it from one place, yours.
From here, it feels clear:
- You know what happened
- You know how it felt
- You know what needs to change
So you:
- Defend your position
- Assume you’re right
- Question the other person’s behaviour
To you, this makes total sense, and yet it also keeps you stuck.
Because you’re only seeing one part of the picture.
What Changes Everything
Imagine deciding, before anything else, that the outcome needs to work for everyone.
Not just you.
Let me share a framework with you that is simple, practical and changes how you deal with difficult situations.
It’s about making you see the situation from three different perspectives.
By using this framework, you will:
- Stop reacting.
- Start responding.
- See solutions more easily.
Step Into Your Own Shoes First
Your experience matters.
So ask yourself:
- What am I feeling here?
- What outcome do I actually want?
- What assumptions am I making?
This step is about you understanding how you see the situation. Without judgement or blame.
Because when you understand your own position, you stop reacting from emotion and start recognising what’s really going on for you.
Now Step Into Theirs
This is the part people resist because they think it’s about agreeing with the other person. It’s not, it’s about understanding them.
See the situation as if you were them.
Ask:
- How might they be seeing this?
- What could they be concerned about?
- What outcome might they want?
This helps the tension to soften. You can then begin to realise they’re not trying to create an issue. Instead, you see that they’re responding from their own reality.
And that changes how you show up next.
Take a Step Back and Observe
Now remove yourself from the situation completely.
Imagine watching the situation play out from the outside.
Without emotion or attachment.
Ask:
- What is actually happening here?
- What would someone neutral notice?
- What solution makes sense for both sides?
From this position, you can make better decisions because you’re no longer inside the emotion.
You’re leading from perspective.
A Simple Example You’ll Recognise
Here’s a really simple example
You send an email.
The reply comes back short and abrupt.
Your first thought? “They’re being rude.”
Now pause.
From their side:
They might be under pressure
They may have misunderstood something
They could be reacting to something unrelated
From the observer’s view:
It’s a brief response
No tone can truly be confirmed
A follow-up could clear everything quickly
Same situation.
Three completely different interpretations.
One leads to frustration.
The other leads to resolution.
Five Ways to Handle This Better (Starting Now)
Pause before responding
Give yourself space to think clearly instead of reacting instantly.
Challenge your first assumption
Your initial interpretation is not always accurate.
Ask better questions
Focus on asking good questions, as the answers will reduce the conflict faster than guessing ever will.
Focus on outcome, not ego
Decide what you actually want to achieve from the situation. Focus on the outcome, not on who is right.
Use all three perspectives every time
When you look at a situation from the three perspectives you are more likely to see what is going on
How I Work With My Clients On This
I use this to work through real situations my clients are facing right now:
- tricky conversations
- awkward work situations
- communication breakdowns
And we apply this framework step by step.
I guide them to:
- separate facts from assumptions
- understand what’s really driving the other person
- respond in a way that creates movement, not more friction
And the result is that the situation is handled faster, they communicate more clearly and they feel more in control.
And most importantly, they stop carrying unnecessary stress from situations that were never as big as they seemed.
The Shift That Changes Everything
So, the next time something feels like a problem, pause for a moment.
Ask yourself:
1. What does this look like from my perspective?
2. What does it look like from theirs?
3. What would an outside observer see?
You don’t need more effort. You need a different view.
Because the solution often appears the moment you step outside your own perspective.
If trying to resolve this by yourself is too difficult, check out The Shift Sessions
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