When you start to realise you’ve been “reining yourself in” for years just to fit in
There’s a moment I remember really clearly.
I went into work feeling fine on what seemed like a normal day, not expecting anything out of the ordinary.
Then I got some feedback from an interview I’d had.
It was something along the lines of, “You can be a bit overwhelming”. She likened me to an excitable puppy.
I was only 22.
At the time, I didn’t argue it or even question it.
I just thought, okay. So I’ll rein it in a bit.
And I did.
Obviously not all at once. Just a few little adjustments, here and there.
Less of me showing up the way I naturally would, and less instinct.
Less of that energy, I didn’t even think it was a problem until someone made it one.
All because I wanted to progress and do well. I wanted to be seen as professional. I wanted to be accepted.
And you don’t really notice it happening, that’s the thing.
You think you’re just adapting in order to be more professional. Adjusting to how things work.
You don’t realise you’re editing yourself
In that moment, I had a choice. I could have said “thank you for the feedback” and continued to feel comfortable being who I was.
However, I chose to change.
I chose to listen to how others viewed the world instead of taking a moment to decide what would be best for me. And all because I thought adapting would lead to me progressing in the corporate world faster.
The sad thing is, this started a pattern that I would have to unlearn later in life.
And as you’ve heard me say before, life is a series of patterns, otherwise known as habits.
Fortunately, I have learnt, and this is something I am trying to avoid passing on to my children.
Instead, I encourage them to be themselves whilst being compassionate to those around them.
As you can imagine, this is not always easy.
Fitting in starts to feel like progress
Adapting to fit in may feel like progress until you realise it comes at a cost. It actually takes more effort, which is draining. You’re seeking to please others instead of pleasing yourself. And before you know it, you don’t know who you are anymore.
Yes, you may think you’re doing well. On paper, it definitely looks like it.
After all, you’re progressing, you’re being seen as capable and you’re delivering.
So you assume everything is fine.
But for this to happen, there is a lot going on underneath.
You start checking yourself before you speak.
You start thinking about how you’re coming across.
You start asking yourself if you’re “too much” in certain rooms.
And over time, you stop trusting your natural response. Because instead of being your awesome, unique self, you chose to fit in.
And then you hit a point where it catches up with you
I’ve had moments where it tipped too far.
Where I couldn’t switch off properly.
Where my head wouldn’t stop running through everything.
Where I’d wake up already tired.
And from the outside, nothing looked wrong. That’s the sad part.
You’re still functioning and showing up.
And yet inside, it doesn’t feel sustainable anymore because it’s exhausting.
It feels like you’re holding everything together, just about, and nobody else can see it.
The pattern I notice now
When I look back on it, there’s a pattern.
It starts with wanting to do well.
Wanting to prove yourself.
Wanting to be taken seriously.
Then, somewhere along the line, you start shaping yourself around what gets approval.
And it works.
Until it doesn’t feel like you anymore. That’s usually where people are when they come to me.
Because as I’ve always said, no one is broken. They’re just slightly removed from themselves and unsure how they got there.
What changes things
It’s really quite simple. It’s noticing where you’ve started to edit yourself.
Where you’ve learned to hold back.
Where you’ve decided it’s safer to tone it down and then, slowly, start to reverse that.
One moment at a time.
One conversation where you don’t overthink how you sound.
One situation where you don’t shrink from what you really think.
One decision where you stop second-guessing yourself first.
That’s how it starts to come back. Just one small step at a time.
If this feels familiar
It probably means you’ve been operating like this longer than you’ve realised.
Doing well, whilst holding it together and getting through.
And still feeling like something of you got left behind somewhere along the way.
It changes when you start paying attention to where you’ve been stepping back from yourself and deciding you’re not doing that anymore.
Even in small ways, that’s enough to start with.
If you’ve read this and thought, this is me, this is your next step. Click the LINK to find out more.
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