How to Build Confidence: What’s Really Damaging Your Confidence (It’s Not What You Think)
People come to me saying the same thing in different ways.
“I need more confidence.”
“I hold myself back.”
“I overthink everything.”
And I get it. It feels like confidence is the problem to be solved. Like if you had more of it, you’d finally speak up, go for the job, start the thing, or say yes instead of no. And the list goes on.
In reality, it’s not actually about confidence.
It’s not the lack of confidence that’s keeping you stuck.
It’s that you’re listening to the negative thoughts telling you, you can’t, you shouldn’t, you won’t. And when you find yourself in an especially challenging position, it’s these thoughts that give you the excuse that stops you.
It’s that constant loop of self-doubt, overthinking and worst-case scenarios that makes you avoid taking the next step.
That’s what shapes the decisions you make. Not your level of confidence.
What’s Really Going On
Your brain is always telling you a story, which is not necessarily based on facts. And that is because it is just doing its job, which is to keep you safe. After all, it is wired to ensure you survive.
However, when those same thoughts are repeated enough, they start to feel like facts.
This is something that comes up a lot when I’m coaching.
A client will come to me fed up and frustrated with how life is, wanting to change something for the better. They know what they want. They can see it clearly in their head. And then they tell me they don’t feel confident enough to make the change.
Instead of starting with confidence, I help them understand what is really going on. Which is usually linked to a story they are replaying to themselves that is stopping them from moving forward.
That’s why dealing with what you’re thinking creates the shift you need to get out of your own way.
How To Shift This In Real Life
Here are three simple tools I use with clients hat breaks the cycle of self-doubt and overthinking. It’s by taking these actions that you can then start to build confidence.
Become aware of your thoughts
Start by simply noticing what is going on in your head without trying to fix it.
Most people believe every thought they have. If you believe it, it drives your behaviour. That’s what leads to hesitation, avoidance and procrastination.
Your starting point is to catch your thoughts during moments of doubt.
Instead of acting on them straight away, pause and name it:
“That’s self-doubt.”
“That’s me overthinking.”
“That’s a fear story.”
You are not trying to change it yet. You are just noticing it, because awareness is the key to seeing the patterns that drive your life.
It interrupts the automatic thinking that is controlling you. This creates space between the thought and the action, and it’s that space that allows you to see the choices you have.
Ask yourself these three questions
Is it true?
Is it helpful?
What would be a more useful thought?
This gives you the chance to give your thoughts a simple reality check.
Most negative thoughts feel real in the moment, and these questions interrupt that loop and give you the opportunity to apply logic to what is going on.
Try it now with one thought that keeps you stuck.
Example:
“I’m going to mess this up.”
Then challenge it:
Is it true, or is it a prediction?
Is it helpful, or is it holding me back?
What would be more useful?
A more useful thought might be:
“I don’t need to be perfect. I just need to start.”
By asking yourself these questions, you stop spiralling. You start thinking in a way that supports action instead of blocking it.
Find the one action that counters the thought
This is about finding one small, deliberate action that proves the negative thought wrong. Something simple and doable.
Because when you counter the thought with action, you create the evidence to prove the thought wrong. And that’s what starts to change what you believe.
If the thought is “I can’t do this.”
The counter action might be:
Send the email anyway.
Post the content anyway.
Have the conversation anyway.
You are not trying to solve everything. You are proving to yourself that the thought is not in charge.
Taking action stops you living in your head and helps create momentum. One action at a time.
What Happens When You Apply This
Confidence doesn’t come first and it’s definitely not something you wait for.
You become confident by thinking differently. By choosing thoughts that serve you instead of holding you back.
So remember to notice the thought, then question it and do one thing anyway.
Keep it simple, so you can actually move forward.
And that’s when the change happens.
If you’re ready to stop getting stuck in your head and start achieving what matters, I invite you to book your place on my workshop From Doubting to Decisive: Go From Stuck to Achieving What You Want.
By the end of the session, you’ll understand where your thinking is keeping you stuck, you’ll get clear on what you actually want, and you’ll know the actions that move you forward.
If you want that, come and join me.
🗓️ Date: 23rd June
⏰ Time: 12:00–13:00 (BST)
💻 Where: Zoom (live)
🎟️ £20
Click HERE to book your place.
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